Title: The Collar of Freedom
Author: Alexandra I
Release Date: May 27, 2014
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Amelia Jones knows the truth; she lives and breathes it every day. The endless monotony of a loveless marriage, and years of domestic slavery stretch before her in minutes and hours that are destined to end in a mental breakdown.
Then Alexander Reeves walks through the door.
Her new boss is intriguing, charismatic and clearly driven by unspoken demons, and while Amelia knows she’s playing with fire, she’s relentlessly drawn to the man. Alexander is just as taken by her, but knows that giving into temptation can only end in disaster. When the couple succumb to a passionate, furious battle of the wills, Amelia is thrilled and afraid; Alexander’s erotic preferences are shocking to the uninitiated. The trouble is, wild as his life may seem, Amelia knows that he at least is living. Alexander may bring about her ruin, but he also holds the secret to her salvation, and Amelia prays she might be able to save him too.
“Um, thanks. Again.” I have said thanks a few times but he hasn't replied.
“Stop saying that,” somewhat irritated, he snaps at me.
He is talking.
“And I am sorry,” I continue.
“No!” He turns around, looking at me. “Don’t say sorry. That was not your fault!” In his eyes, I see… repentance?
“And it was yours?”
“No, it wasn’t!”
He looks through the window again. “I should have been there. I should have never let you walk alone.”
“Alexander,” I touch his shoulder. “Things happen. But you came and you save me. He won’t be bothering me again.”
“This has never happened to any of my subs. And,” fraught, he turns to me. “You come along. You fuck up my world. You make me lose my focus, my awareness. You were hurt today. If I hadn’t come back in time, I probably would have killed that man. And what’s more, something that’s new to me, you interfere and I obey? I obey? What is fucking wrong with me? I am not me anymore. I am…you. And that’s your line.” A distressing, poignant expression cloaks his face.
“No! No! Do not say it like that! Do not turn it against me! I forbid you!” He will not push me away.
“You see? We fight and you forbid me?” He reaches out to stroke my cheek but I move away. “Oh, Amelia, what kind of ominous thread have we entangled ourselves with? I can’t stay away from you but, at the same time, you turn me into someone else, someone that’s not me.”
“Alexander,” I know what he is doing. “Don’t push me away, please.” My eyes well up. “I am not frightened of who I am becoming…why are you?”
“It’s you. I can’t think straight with you around.” He sighs. “I found myself in you but you are so vast, I’ve lost myself in there a few times.”
“Your command over me is what you want, right? And you have that! I am under your spell all the time, can’t you see? I follow you blindly far and wide,” I stop and wipe the tears from my face. “Only, when I need a fuck I become this, what you don’t like or want. A brute; defiant, mad, resentful, defensive deity… all for a fuck. Don’t hold it against me. It’s you who made me! I wasn’t like this before.”
“Amelia, we can’t…” he says, saddened. Noticing the car slowing down to a halt, he looks through the window and so do I.
“My house?” A dagger through my heart would have been less painful.
I search for his eyes but he looks away, hiding his face.
“I am let off… for wanting to fuck you?” I ask quietly, in disbelief, with tears surging again, overflowing my eyes. He is quiet, not a word coming from him and, wiping my tears, I open the door, dejected, leaving him inside.
Lucky Ones – Lana del Ray
Alexandra says this song goes with the following part of the book:
I grab my bag and walk through the empty room, glancing at his office. The door is closed, the blind down. No one’s there. I take the stairs to the parking lot, heading straight for my Cloud Nine. Something doesn’t make sense to me. I have a strange twinge in my heart that I don’t understand. I feel….argh, the sooner I’m out of here the better for me and my sanity.
I put the key in the ignition and the radio comes on with the “Lucky Ones” by Lana Del Ray blaring through the speakers.
I got so scared I felt no one could save me
You came along, scooped me up like a baby,
No…get out of my mind! An unexpected wave of emotions crashes on top of me and my lips begin to tremble. I shake my head. “It’s stupid to cry!” My voice quivers as I say it and a lump forms in my throat. My eyes blur from the engorged tears, overflowing and warm, running down my face. Still, with my lips pressed tight, I keep wiping them with the back of my hand, but they don’t stop, they just flow. I drive away, changing gears, and the moment the chorus comes on, out of nowhere, I’m tipped over the edge. The song is fitting, the sound resonating in the car and my voice is gone, I’m whimpering and soon I give in. Sobbing quietly at first and then louder and louder, I’m letting it all out.
“..Every now and then the stars align,
boy and girl meet by the great design,
Could it be that you and me are the lucky ones…”
If I don’t believe in love at first sight then why am I crying like a little girl? Why the fuck? My eyes are stinging red and I don’t care, I need to get it out of my system. That’s my penance.
“…Sometimes you have to decide if you want to step forward into growth or step back into safety, dear.”
“My safe word?”
“Love…is not enough. It’s something deeper, stronger, and harder, almost painful. Something I want to keep inside of me forever, but at the same time throw it away because I know having it so deep and feeling it so strong can only be detrimental for me. I have others to think about. I have a different kind of priority”
“I only wanted a fuck. Not the world.”
"I have been placid all my life, allowing friendly bullies to push me around. Wherever I have ended up is because someone pointed me towards it. I never got a say in anything. And…it's the first time in my life that I want something. I know I shouldn't, but I do."
“It’s not about hurting my feelings…it’s about wasting our lives. Feelings change, but we have only one life. And we have the right to live it fully. We owe it to ourselves.”
According to Nietzsche, the best author will be the one who is ashamed to become a writer. Hmmm….Times have certainly changed since then. Shame? What shame?
Alexandra, a singing and dancing force not to be reckoned with, especially when she holds a microphone, is someone who imagined her life will be just like in the film 'Grease'. So she found her 'Danny', married him and right at this moment she is annoyed his car doesn't fly.
When she isn't glued to her trusty laptop creating magic, Alexandra prowls the pits of twitter … find her there if you dare.